My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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