Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
