booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm having to shit out rocks
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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