my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
