I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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