So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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