Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
