My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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