I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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