Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
