I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
