You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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