we have officially lost it.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
