I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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