my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
