my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
