I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
