yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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