Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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