So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
