There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
