he puts the penis in happiness.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
