i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
