New low: just hacked my moms facebook
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
How's work?
Spinning.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
