Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
