i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
