I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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