dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
