Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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