I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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