There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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