i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
