I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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