Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
