I'm gonna have a badass scar
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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