Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
