At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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