I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
