ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
