A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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