Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
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