mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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