My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Someone shattered a urinal.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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