Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
