dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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