The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
