You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
