WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
50% drunk capacity currently
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
