wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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