i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
