she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
